I wrote this in... oh, 1984, and give it a light polish in 1995 or 1996 when I entered it in the computer. I am still finding typos and gramar errors in the thing. They multiply when you're not looking
I wrote it long hand on a legal yellow pad. I think that shows.
The Adventures of Irving Fineburg
A Short Visit
By Jay P. Hailey
The little ship darted out of warp dangerously close to the planet.
"You're crazy!" Thainer sat at the engineering panel, his blue skin flushed almost violet with emotion.
"You screwball Human!" He was already hoarse from shouting.
The Human in the pilots' seat turned to the third crew member. "Will you give me a status report, please?" He might have been asking for someone to pass the sugar.
"All systems go and one hundred percent, Master." She breathed huskily. She couldn't help it. She was a Green Orion and she was excited. Breathing huskily was built in.
"Thank you, and please don't call me that." The Human replied.
"You are insane!!" Thainer's antennae quivered.
"Why don't you arm the photon torpedo?" The Human suggested.
The little ship screamed down on the convoy in standard orbit.
"Go ahead and activate the transporter modification." The man in the pilot's seat said.
"You nut! You're actually going to try it! AAARRGH!!" Thainer's scream bounced inside his helmet, hurting his ears. His sweat ran freely, creating a disturbing slickness inside his emergency space suit.
"Synnis, why don't you take over fire control, now?" The Human's voice was steady and even a bit dull.
"Yes. master" Synnis was still breathing huskily and she took a deep breath as she activated the weapons board. This did amazing things to her emergency space suit.
"Thank you, and please don't call me that." The pilot was hunched over the flight control board in a very business like manner.
The little ship danced through the protective cordon in the blink of an eye. It's swift approach caught the entire convoy flat footed.
"Why don't you fire now?" The pilot was bland.
"AAAIIEE!!" Thainer was not.
Synnis depressed the firing button with an unavoidably sensuous movement.
The photon torpedo overwhelmed the running shields of the surprised freighter. As the little ship streaked past the defenseless freighter, its modified transporter stripped the helpless ship of all the dylithium on board.
The little ship swept back through the protective cordon and was lost in interstellar space within seconds.
The convoy commander was slumped in his command chair, immobilized with shock.
"Oh, shit," he said. "It was Irving."
-*-
"Please scan for pursuit, Synnis." The pilot requested.
"All clear, Master." She was less breathy, but more husky with relief.
"Thank you. Please don't call me that. What does the transporter look like Thainer?"
The Andorian flipped a switch and looked at the screen. Thainer boggled. He stared. He oogled and goggled. Then he whooped. This hurt his ears again, but he didn't care.
"Look! Look!! Dylithium! Twenty Pounds of it! WE'RE RI..." Thainer was silenced by a well deserved attack of laryngitis.
Synnis squealed. She giggled. She bounced around in her seat, a thoroughly captivating sight.
"Oh, Master!" her voice was indescribably sensuous with emotion.
"Now, Synnis..." The Human blandly reminded.
"Yes, Irving." She replied, only slightly abashed.
The Human leaned back in his seat and flipped his faceplate up. "Let's get some coffee." He might have just finished a long account.
-*-
The secret base was embedded in a small, icy rock of a planet that orbited a great distance away from a nothing little red star, that was nowhere in particular.
In the warrens and burrows which ran through the little planet there was an excited buzz. Rumors ran rampant. The only factual comment was this: "Fineburg is coming."
Speculations and bets were exchanged concerning Irving's latest exploit. Stories were told and retold about his last visit.
Soon the distinctive little ship, named Emma after Irving's mother, approached the hangars cut into an icy hill.
The landing was simple and business like. Disappointed glances were exchanged when it became apparent that Emma was not even scratched.
As Emma floated smoothly to her slip in the hangar bay a dozen young men in ridiculous body armor marched out, double time, to meet her. They were armed with very serious blasters.
The large, muscular and gaudy figure followed with his exaggerated dignity, and casual gait. It was the ruler of the base.
-*-
Thainer was whispering excitedly about what he was going to do with all of his money.
Synnis said nothing, but her beautiful grin and slinky shivers communicated quite clearly.
Irving figure the taxes on his share, just for the hell of it.
They were all looking forwards to hot showers, grand meals, real clothes and large, soft beds, in various orders.
When the hatch slid open they found themselves staring down the barrel of a large disruptor held by his excellency Flev Nokk, the ruler of the secret base.
Thainer's face fell endlessly.
Synnis looked seductively dangerous.
Irving looked as though he had just been short changed for a candy bar.
Irving, Irving, Irving." Nokk sounded disappointed. "You're making me look bad." He sounded hurt. "What am I going to do with you?" He sounded like your mother.
His question, incidentally, was rhetorical. What he was going to do with them was fairly obvious.
"Now see here! This isn't right, Flev! We've done good business together!" Fineburg sounded like he had just been short changed for a candy bar by some one he knew.
"Irving, I'm surprised! You don't expect me to put business ahead of my pride, do you?" Nokk was mild "I am a barbarian, after all." He sincerely believed this.
The large Orion backed out of the hatch and barked an order. "Take them!"
The husky young men in the ridiculous body armor crowded through the hatch and beat the crew of Emma senseless.
-*-
"Nnggrrhh." he said.
Just to make sure he was understood, he said it again.
When Irving became aware of something other than pain, it was that the light shining into his eyes was uncomfortably bright.
The room obligingly rolled over to put Irving face down on the bunk.
Eventually the Human could think around the rhythmic explosions in his head. He heard a soft, sniffling crying. With effort Irving looked at the sound.
It was Thainer. He burbled quietly, his face contorted with sadness and loss.
"Argh y' awlrite?" Irving managed.
Thainer looked at Irving and blinked his eyes free of tears.
"All that money." Thainer whispered "All that money..." The tears welled back up in his eyes, while he sobbed brokenly.
Fineburg thought some perspective was in order, so he said "Unless we do something, they'll kill us."
Thainer took a deep breath from a sob and conceded "That, too." and continued to mourn his lost fortune.
This made Irving's head hurt worse, so he looked for Synnis. The reason for looking for Synnis was that looking at her always made Irving feel better.
She was not there.
There, incidentally, was the dungeon. The dungeon resembled nothing so much as a standard brig. Flev Nokk was probably one of the few barbarians who ordered from the Sears-Roebuck Catalog.
"Do you know where Synnis is?" Irving inquired.
"Yes," Thainer answered.
Irving gritted his teeth and resolved to wait the Andorian out.
-*-
Synnis was at the feast.
This feast was a masterwork of barbarism. In a hewn rock chamber, there were several large tables set in a huge horseshoe. All of the guests were seated along the outside of the horseshoe. In the middle of the formation a huge fire roared. A lot of good food was being eaten with fingers and other appendages. All manner of liqueurs and other drugs were being consumed.
Most of the guests were sharing plates, goblets and bottles. (Wide spectrum vaccinations mandatory at the door). Many of the more irritable revelers hacked at each other with knives (Bring your own).
Green Orion females ran here and there bring more food, drinks, drugs and other things as needed, while being pinched and groped nearly to death.
Old Earth Heavy Metal music was being blasted out of large stereo speakers.
Almost everyone was there, including the over all pirate commander of the sector, a real Orion Chieftain, who was very impressed.
As was mentioned, Synnis was there, bound hand and foot at the feet of Flev Nokk, who was planning to do something nasty to her like ritual rape or sacrificing her to the Dark Gods or something.
But for right now, he was having too much fun.
-*-
After a while Irving felt better. the rest had done him some good.
Thainer stared into space, sniffling every so often.
Climbing painfully to his feet the Ex-C.P.A. turned space pirate examined the dungeon. It was indeed a standard brig layout and his spirits lightened.
Fineburg tried to yell "Hey!" but it came out conversational and hurt his head.
So the Human raised a hand and knocked, raising a shower of sparks.
A massive mountain of a thing, eight feet tall, ugly, hairy with a barrel chest and a slopped fore head came to the door and leaned the three feet down to Irving's face level.
"What d' yew want!?" Try to imagine a Mack truck with a hangover and that's what this guard sounded like.
Thainer whimpered and cowered, even though there was force field between them.
The short, paunchy, balding former C.P.A. gazed blandly the monster. He held up a hand and said "Watch this."
The Guard looked intently at Irving's hand. Fineburg reached into the gap between field emitters (You know, they look like neon lights) and the doorway at about belt level.
He fingered the works a little bit and then yanked on a wire.
The giant guard, intrigued, leaned forward with a puzzled expression on his ugly face.
The force field flickered and died. Irving reared back and threw roundhouse with all of his weight behind it. It landed squarely on the bridge of the guard's nose. Irving felt the shock all the way up his arm.
The giant didn't even flinch. He drew himself up to his full, extremely threatening height, a look of ugly rage carved into its' face.
The guard drew a mighty breath for a bellow to bring down the walls. As soon as his bellows like lungs were filled, his eyes rolled back and the giant collapsed in a very large heap.
Fineburg had retained his composure but he was surprised that Thainer had.
He turned to Thainer who was huddled in the corner with bedding from his bunk clutched around him. He was nearly flat white and his purple eye were as wide as saucers.
"H-how did you do that?" Thainer whispered.
"Nausicaans have a nerve cluster right under their dorsal sinus channel, near the dema-orbital socket. A sharp blow there will knock them right out." Irving was outwardly bland, but some of his smugness showed through.
Thainer gulped and seemed to get more pale. "He's not a Nausicaan."
"Are you sure?" Irving seemed confused. "I thought.... Eek!" He gave a squeaky cry and leapt back from the stunned guard as the realization came to him.
Thainer fainted dead away.
-*-
About one quarter of the party goers were gone from the chamber. They had stabbed each and had been taken away by Medivac robots.
Several others had passed out and were sprawled loosely around the scene of the feast.
Many were still cavorting around to the sound of the Heavy Metal music.
A number of party goers were engaged in committing attempted rape on the Green Orion serving wenches, each other and, in two instances, themselves.
There was a hubbub around the head table, where his Excellency Flev Nokk and the Orion Chieftain were trying to drink each other under the table.
As a Green Orion wench brought yet another bottle of saurian brandy, the Orion Chieftain (Whose name, oddly enough, was Oscar) raised his hand.
"Do you Yield?!" Flev shouted at his knees.
"Fuck, no!" Oscar replied. "Weren't cha gonna do somptin' to Fineburg's chick?" He leered unsteadily at Synnis still tied up on the floor.
"Later, later." Flev mumbled "Gran' finale!"
Synnis looked petrified in an alluring sort of way.
-*-
Irving and Thainer wandered the deserted halls of the base.
"Where is everyone?" Irving wondered.
"They're not looking! Let's run away now." Thainer suggested.
"Just a minute." Irving was curious.
Irving and Thainer found the small arms locker. Nobody was there. So they took what they could carry and left.
They found the store rooms. Nobody was there. So they grabbed an antigrav and took what vital supplies they could.
They found the Hangar bay. Nobody was there. Emma was fine. So they disabled the other ships to discourage pursuit and loaded their horde aboard their ship.
They found the treasure vaults. Nobody was there. They cracked the vaults and made three trips back and forth to Emma before the ship's hold was full.
They found Flev's personal quarters. Nobody was there. So they short sheeted his bed.
-*-
Irving and Thainer walked down the corridor, trying to be casual under their
load of personal weapons. Thainer was daydreaming of a mountain of credits.
Irving was trying to figure out where everyone was, and what had happened to Synnis.
The young green girl said "Hello." as she passed.
Five paces later Thainer screamed and fell to face on the deck pleading for mercy. Irving turned around shocked. The young green girl tittered at Thainer.
"Where is everybody?" Irving asked perplexed.
The green girl beckoned.
-*-
Now, all but two party goers were zonked.
Those who had not passed out had drifted off to their own pursuits when the music had finally quit.
Every now and again, Flev Nokk's arm would reach would and pour another shot, sloppily. Then he would pour it over his face, and some of it would get into his mouth.
Oscar, the Orion Chieftain was still there, too.
Flev heard Oscar's voice. He tried to shout "Do you yield!?", but nothing intelligible came out.
Oscar's voice persisted, it sounded vague and far away. Oscar was annunciating exageratedly.
"Wha' 'bout the chick?"
"Oh! Oh, yeah!" His Excellency fell out of the chair.
-*-
Irving entered the chamber, led by the green girl. Thainer trailed along.
Fineburg picked his way through the carnage, over to where Synnis, still bound, was snoring cutely.
The Ex C.P.A. cut her bonds and shook her gently saying "Wake up, wake up."
Synnis awoke with a start. As soon as she realized who it was, she whispered "Oh, Irving." and warmly enveloped her rescuer.
-*-
The little ship lifted smoothly and slowly floated towards the entrance to the hangar.
As soon as it was clear of the doors it leapt into the sky and was gone.
-*-
Nnggrrr." he said. Just to make sure he was understood, he said it again.
The first thing that Flev was aware of, besides the pain, was that the light shining into his eyes was too bright. So the room tilted throwing him to the floor.
Blearily, he staggered to his feet and moved towards the doorway. He was thrown to the floor by the force field, which crackled contemptuously.
That woke him up.
The former ruler of the secret base jumped to his feet and looked around wildly. He was in his own dungeon.
Flev caught sight of Oscar, the Orion Chieftain in the cell across the corridor. Oscar looked at him with utter disgust.
"You shmuck." Oscar spat. It had the tone of a judgment.
"What is the meaning of this?!?" Flev raged. It was a rhetorical question. The meaning of this was fairly obvious.
His shout brought a guard around the corner. She was one of the former Green Orion serving wenches, the ridiculous body armor complimenting her figure nicely.
"On pain of death let me out here this instant!!" Flev threatened.
The guard got a dangerous look on her face. She carefully set her blaster beside the door and pulled the key out of her pocket. She turned off the force field and entered the cell.
The sounds of Flev Nokk getting the hell beat out him resounded through the corridor.
Oscar grinned ruefully.
"Speak with respect to your new masters!" The guard hissed.
-end-
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek. I claim original characters and situations in this story for me.
This story posted by permission of the author. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited.